A religious man was driving through the streets of a large city, searching for a parking space. Finally he prayed to God, "If you will just help me get a good parking spot, I will go to church every Sunday, donate to charity, and be kinder to my wife and kids."
At that moment a car miraculously pulled out from a space right in front of him, and he slipped into it.
"Never mind," he told God. "I just found one."
(as printed in Alan Cohen's Monthly Newsletter)
American Newspaper Headlines from the Year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Castro dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton bans all smoking.
35 year study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss!
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Mangled Measurements
- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
- 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
- Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
- 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
- Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
- 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
- Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
- Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
- 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
- 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
- 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles
- 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
- 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
- 10 cards = 1 decacard
- 52 cards = 1 deckacard
- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
- 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
- 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
- 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
- 10 rations = 1 decaration
- 100 rations = 1 C-ration
- 2 monograms = 1 diagram
- 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
- 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
No-Parking Zone
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
Get Your Own
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But, God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."
(from http://www.basicjokes.com )
A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and says to the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then turns to his peaceful, grazing flock and calmly answers, "OK, why not?"
So the yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM Thinkpad, connects it to his mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds a NASA site. Then, using the Web site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area.
Next he opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas and after a few minutes he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer. Eventually he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
"That's correct," says the shepherd "you can take one of the sheep."
He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car, then says: "Hold on a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not?" answers the young man.
"That's easy," says the shepherd "you're a consultant."
"That's spot on," says the yuppie, clearly amazed, "but how did you guess that?"
"There was no guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You expect to get paid to give me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't even know a thing
about my business. Now give me back my dog."
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument
about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and frankly God
was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God
said, "THAT'S IT!
I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will
run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge
who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They E-mailed.
They E-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan
was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up,
lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder
rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed
every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of
them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming "It's gone!
It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power
went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all
of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he
screamed, "That's not fair! He cheated! How come
he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."